In truth I'm not, but I'd like to be. Or rather, I like the idea of it. Whatever "it" is. The "zen" part I mean. I assume it means to accept and be at peace with what's around you. I'd like to imagine that's what it means. I could look it up, but I might find I'm disappointed with the actual definition. My definition has, as Stephen Colbert says, a truthiness about it. It may in fact be wrong, but facts are over rated. Besides, I doubt the world's most important endeavours were ever attempted with all the facts in place first.
I have a very hard time just going with the flow of things. My immediate reaction when things are not going as planned is to become incredibly frustrated. I really wish I was one of those people who could react to things with ease and grace. I am NOT a graceful person no matter how you try to adjust and mold the word to fit. It will never apply to me. If I'm not knocking something over and bumping into something, I'm saying something awkward. If I'm not putting my foot in my mouth, I'm either under reacting to something or, more likely than not, over reacting. I seem to live in a world of "whys" and "what ifs", but never in the moment. Very rarely do I enjoy where I am at the time. Instead I try to control where I am and try to anticipate what's next. You know that annoying person who is clearly not listening but just waiting for their turn to talk? Well that's me, but apply that to my whole life. I annoy me. Some days I just wish I would just get out of my own way and live life in the moment.
The only thing I can think of that might help is more time to reflect. When I think about it, I rarely just sit down and have a few moments thought to myself. Every minute is full with doing something, making plans, or worrying that I don't have a plan yet in place. Even if I'm just sitting there, seemingly doing nothing, I'm thinking and scheming and plotting. OK, that's a little dramatic, but I felt I needed to inject a little excitement in there. I'm sure on some level there is some plotting going one somewhere. I used to at least reflect on what I was thankful for at the end of every day, but strangely I've stopped doing that. I don't know why. I guess I just forgot to do it. Isn't that awful? To forget something so important? I think perhaps, against every instinct in my body, I'm going to have to get up early and find my center in the morning. Maybe a little yoga and some peace and quiet to myself before the rush of the day. A little self reflection, a reminder of what is right and important, and start every day off on a positive note. It sounds like a plan! Oh shoot, there I go again!