20/20 Hindsight: Becoming a Mom

I recently attended a baby shower for a cousin of mine. It was beautiful and simple; just the way we dream motherhood should be. I'm sure no one seriously believes that it will be like that, but we still envision quiet nights gently rocking a cooing baby to sleep. It's easy to romanticize bringing a new bundle of joy home. In that new little person rests hope, love, and a future full of meaning and purpose. Whatever other choices you make in your life, you now have a guiding star to keep you on the right path and illuminate your way. Becoming a parent will influence everything you do, what choices you make, and what paths you take. Some will lead you places you never thought you'd go, others will bring you back to the start and see things through different eyes. When cards and pens were passed around asking for advice for the New Mom, it was hard to think of what to put. I'm sure there were a lot of  "Sleep when the baby sleeps" or "Remember to take care of yourself too". I'm sure I put something similar as well, yet somehow I don't feel I'm imparting the advice I wish I could have given myself. So this is my attempt to do so. If anyone invents time travel, please make sure I get this too.

It's Not What You Thought

Whatever mental and physical preparation you did, the reality is you're never really prepared to bring a new baby home. Yes you'll be excited, but maybe a little terrified too. You'll be tired, yet have no idea you could be that tired and still function. You'll be unsure of yourself, but never realize you know more than you think you do. You'll find your way out of the haze one day, look back, and realize you did the best you could. That's exactly what you should do, the best you can. No one is born with a prefect mothering instinct. This is your first time becoming a mom, and it's that little baby's first time in the world too. You're both finding your new roles in it. It will take time, there will be bumps along the way. When you know better you'll do better. Don't beat yourself up if you don't know what to do right away. After two daughters, I'm still trying to figure things out!

Do What Works For You and Your Baby

One of the common denominators all new mothers face the bombardment of "helpful" advice. It will come from everywhere! Be prepared for total strangers to become experts on your child. "Oh she's tired!" "You need to hold her this way." "You use that? We never did that with ours." The list goes on and on. Some of it can become very personal and is truly none of their business in the first place.  My advice? Take the high road. Dont' take it personally, a "I'll keep that in mind" or "I'm glad you found something that worked for you; this works for us" is much more empowering than going on the defensive. Other advice can come from friends and family that truly have your best interest at heart and want to help. Learning from another's experience can be helpful. Ultimately, there are as many different ways to raise a child as there are mothers out there. As long as you are doing what is in the best interest of you, your baby and your family as a whole, that's what's best for your baby.

Have a Sense of Humour

This is often a life preserver. I remember when I brought my second daughter home the utter chaos that ensued the first few weeks. A newborn crying in my arms because she was hungry. A toddler crying at my feet because she was hungry. And me, trying to spread peanut butter on a piece of bread that was slowly inching it's way to the edge of the counter. It was nuts! I imagined seeing this through a television screen in some sitcom. I couldn't help but laugh at how ridiculous a spectacle this was. If I didn't find some humour in what goes on day to day, I would totally lose my mind. Or perhaps I already have. My sister-in-law agreed with me, losing your mind can sometimes be an act of self defence.

Get Out of the House!

Once you feel up to it, I strongly recommend getting out of the house. Walling yourself up with the child, as darling as she is, is no good for either of you. I did that for the first six months and I did myself no favors. It is very isolating and lets face it, boring! Go to the park, take walks, join a mommy-and-me group, visit family and friends. Heck visit me. I was lucky the first time around. I was able to visit with my sister-in-law for the first year and it was always something we looked forward to. Later my daughter and I joined a number of classes run by the city. We both came out of our shell and are better for it. Plus my daughter and I were able to go out and have fun together.

Make Time for YOU

Yes it's kind of cliche at this point, but it's important. You need to have a life outside your child too. You are a mother, but many other things also. A friend, a daughter, a wife. You need to tend those gardens as well. Make going out with your friends, even just once a month, a regular thing. Take time to treat yourself to a date night every now and again. Find something that is just you and make time for it. A loved and cared for mommy makes for a good mother.

Forgive Yourself

Some days you'll shine, and others you won't. You'll never be perfect or have this-parenting-thing down. You'll make mistakes. You won't ask for help when you know you should. You'll listen to that little doubting voice at the back of your mind when you know you shouldn't. It's OK. Stand up straighter, brush yourself off, and continue on. We all falter; picking yourself back up again is what matters.

Deep Breath. Start Again

Today's start was such a tease. Miss. A woke at seven, and Baby K slept in until eight. Woot! I was allowed that most coveted of experiences the morning shower! Not having to wait until naptime or night is a rare but welcome treat. Before eight in the morning I was showered, dressed, looking and feeling human again. Today was going well! It was going to be awesome! Somewhere the universe was quietly laughing at me. It rapidly went down hill from there. I won't bore you with the details. It would take too long and eventually you would lose focus and start thinking about other things. Let's just say it ended at the park with two little girls competing to see who could throw the biggest tantrum.

Amongst the sand, tears and runny noses I started to feel a little sorry for myself. Some days seem to go so well and others are so hard. That's probably when I take to the internets in search of sympathy and solidarity. Otherwise I would probably stand in the middle of the living room and shout "YOU'RE ALL DRIVING ME CRAZY!!" Which I think we can all agree is not the most mature and motherly thing to do. Honest, yes. Probably the most honest, but not the best. Quite often the internets don't disappoint. Often a few people have been in the same boat and post words of encouragement. Sometimes, when maybe I've been complaining a tad too much, they thankfully post nothing at all. Any responses would have to be along the lines of "suck it up princess". Which, ultimately you have to do. Stay calm and carry on.

Though, in those stressful moments (days, weeks...), I feel somewhat overwhelmed, later I calm and put it all in perspective. I have a good family and support system. My kids, though trying like any others, are good kids. I might be having a bad day, but there are others out there facing hardships every day. Many are not as fortunate as me. I don't have to worry about food, doing it on my own, health problems, and so many other things that seem to define the lives of other people. It isn't always easy, but nothing worth doing is. I wish I would remember that and have it at the front of my consciousness always. If I did, maybe the "hard" days wouldn't really seem that hard and I could just enjoy what I have every moment. Tomorrow is another day.

Deep Breath. Start Again.